


The Great Hargreeves Family Prank War

by Spooberdem



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, Just family fun so read if you want i would appreciate it, but yeah any way there's no angst and NO INCEST, everyone is happy yay, stupid thing i wrote why do people even read anything i write at this point
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 20:03:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18289277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spooberdem/pseuds/Spooberdem
Summary: Exactly what it says on the tin. When there are seven Libras living in a house, shit's gonna happen.





	The Great Hargreeves Family Prank War

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't ask why I wrote this, I have jet lag so I was up at five a.m. with nothing better to do, ok?
> 
> Btw, if you don't know what the Salt & Pepper Diner is, maybe read this first. It'll make more sense: https://genius.com/John-mulaney-the-salt-and-pepper-diner-annotated
> 
> I did not beta this but I did the best I could. Any errors are mine. Enjoy!

After it's over, Klaus swears the whole thing is Diego's fault.

 

It's one of the laws of the universe: You don't steal someone's Lucky Charms, and you especially don't steal the ones that someone spent a full hour picking out of the box and stashing under the sink _specifically_ so no one could steal them. Breaking that law means bringing down upon yourself the full might of Klaus Hargreeves. (Which isn't very much, even in his opinion, but that's beside the point.)

 

The good thing is, Klaus has a lot of experience in being a little shit. He also has a lot of random stuff lying around his bedroom, which is why some time after he sees Diego eating his Lucky Charms he's running down to his brother's room with a handful of theatre knives, the ones with blades that retract into the handle when you hit something. Klaus thinks he bought them when he was high once, which explains that time he woke up in a dumpster with his last twenty dollars missing and a pile of pokey things in his pockets.

 

Diego's in the shower, using up all the hot water again. Klaus takes all the blades out of his brother's stupid-ass harness he wears all the time, replacing them with the cheap plastic things.

 

'Are you sure you want to do this?' Ben asks. Klaus rolls his eyes and turns to face the ghost.

 

'He stole my Lucky Charms, Benny. That doesn't come without consequences.' Ben facepalms.

 

'Fine, but if Diego tries to get revenge I'm not helping you.'

 

'Good, I won't need your help,' Klaus tucks the last fake knife into the harness, grabbing all the real blades to stash them away. 'Now, let's get out of here before our dear brother comes back.'

 

*****

 

Diego clomps back to his room, several towels tucked around him. He probably dripped water down the hallway, but who gives a shit?

 

The first things he notices is that someone has been in his room. The rug's scuffed up, and his knife harness has been moved. As Diego pulls his clothes back on, he looks around for other signs of trespassing, but he doesn't find anything. His harness, however, is noticeably lighter when he picks it up. He unsheathes one of the blades and throws it, directing the knife towards the wall. It bounces off and falls to the floor.

 

What the fuck? Diego walks over and examines the knife. The point retracts back when he presses on it, and it's not sharpened at all. He pulls all the knives out of their places, and sure enough, every single one is fake. He doesn't know for sure who did this, but he can make an educated guess. It probably has something to do with all the Lucky Charm marshmallows he found underneath the kitchen sink, which he promptly ate.

 

'Fine, Klaus,' he says to empty air. 'You want a war? It's _on_.'

 

Ben witnesses this from the corner of the room and makes his way back to Klaus, entering with a gleeful 'He's on to you!'

 

'Oh well,' Klaus flops onto his bed and heaves a huge sigh like the drama queen he knows he is. 'Let him try. My life is enough of a prank anyway.'

 

*****

 

Diego opens the liquor cabinet, surveying his options. There's an expensive looking bottle of vodka sitting on the shelf, waiting for the taking. Perfect. Checking to make sure no one is watching, Diego opens the bottle and dumps its contents into a thermos. Hey, it would be a shame to waste good alcohol.

He then uncaps the jug of vinegar he brought with him from the kitchen and fills the empty bottle with that instead, resealing it and placing it back in the cabinet, front and center. Picking up the jug and the thermos, he walks away, whistling a tune. _See how Klaus likes it when he wants a drink_ now, he thinks to himself.

 

*****

 

Five sighs as he walks to the liquor cabinet. All of his siblings are _fucking imbeciles_ , and he desperately needs a drink. There's a new bottle of vodka waiting for him, thank God. It's not like he can just jump to the store and come back with a decanter of whiskey these days, not while he looks thirteen. Five pulls out the stopper and takes a huge gulp of its contents before promptly spitting the mouthful out. It's _definitely_ not vodka.

 

Cautiously, Five sniffs the bottle and makes a face. It's goddamn vinegar. Who the hell replaced vodka with vinegar, and where is his actual drink? His first thought is Klaus, but Number Four is too lazy to pull a prank like this, not while there's alcohol in front of him that he can just take and walk away. So, that leaves all of his other siblings. Too many to narrow down quickly, but not so many that he can't take precautions.

 

Five picked up a lot of things from the Commission, including how to make a (mostly, usually) harmless flash grenade from household supplies. He grabs the necessary items he needs and gets to work. Five plants the finished explosives outside his siblings' rooms with tripwires of fishing line to set them off. Now, to sit back and watch the chaos ensue.

 

*****

 

Allison picks up her handbag and steps out of her room. She's heading out get a manicure, not that she can't do it herself, but even she needs a break from her siblings and the apocalypse-nearly-happening stuff. She hasn't even gone two feet when her ankle hits something. Bending down, she sees that it's a line of fishing wire.

 

_BANG!_

 

Something impossibly bright flashes in Allison's face, momentarily blinding her. She thinks it's a camera at first, until she realizes that none of the press know she's in her childhood home and she's not in public either. Allison looks around on the floor and finds the remnants of some crude explosive wrapped in tinfoil. Is this some sort of joke?

 

Then she remembers Klaus storming down the hallway this morning, fuming and ranting to thin air about stolen marshmallows. And then Diego cursing about 'Where the fuck are my knives, you little shit?' _Oh, so it's a prank war, is it?_

Allison doesn't know which one of her siblings set up the grenade, but what she does know is that she has a lot of extra makeup and nail polish, and it would be a shame if some of the stuff were to get all over her brothers and sister. A cunning smile crosses her face, and she decides that maybe her manicure can wait. Oh, this is going to be _fun_.

 

*****

 

The rest of the day descends into chaos.

 

Everyone suffers from at least one of Allison's powder puffs to the face, and by evening you can't take ten steps without triggering one of Five's explosives, which he quickly made more of and set all around the mansion. Luther doesn't think he's stealthy enough to do something like that (he knows people hear him clomping down the hall from a floor away) so he resolves to the extremely petty but simple trick of hiding behind doors and tripping people.

 

Vanya initially decides to stay out of the fight, but after faceplanting three times due to Luther, she starts standing where the others can't see her and make horrible screeching noises on her violin when her siblings walk by. Due to her own powers, the sound doesn't affect her, but everyone else's ears feel like they're bleeding by the end of the day.

 

Klaus and Ben become a nightmare pair, the latter formerly claiming that he wasn't going help Klaus but eventually joining in. The two decide on the Salt & Pepper Diner method, and after hearing 'What's New, Pussycat?' blasting on repeat through the house for a full three hours straight all the siblings are prepared to murder someone.

 

It goes by an unspoken rule that powers are off limits, but if Five spatial jumps to avoid traps, and Diego curves flying tennis balls around corners to avoid being seen, nobody has to know.

 

When the Hargreeves all get together at nearly midnight and call a truce, it's a relief. At least, until Grace forces all of them to clean up the messes they made. After the exhausting day, spending the night scrubbing the mansion is no fun, no fun at all.

**Author's Note:**

> Huh, so I hope that wasn't too painful. This thing was based off a Tumblr post I saw on Pinterest, so I decided to run with it.
> 
> Comments, kudos and creative criticism are accepted and appreciated. Thanks for reading!


End file.
